Why Do We Have to Talk About the Past to Heal in the Present?

Many clients seek therapy to heal from something that bothers them in the present, such as anxiety or depression. They come into the office and are surprised when the therapist starts asking a lot of questions about their childhood or family history. Does that feeling resonate with you?

Today, we are going to discuss how childhood experiences and mental health are connected and how we can find healing from the past. 

Therapy provides the tools of healing and achieving what we want in life. It helps clients navigate and express their feelings, managing symptoms of depression and anxiety, and a variety of other things. So it makes sense that a client would come in and just want practical solutions to their problems. However, there are many times when we hear clients say, “I know what to do, I just can’t do it!” That is when exploring childhood experiences can be helpful. 

As trauma expert Bessel van der Kolk writes, “The body keeps the score.” Our experiences don’t just live in memory — they live in our nervous system. They helped shape our ideas of self, our worth, and our values. All of which influence how we feel and act today. 

“I Just Want to Feel Better — Do We Have to Talk About My Past?”

Starting therapy can be intimidating, and we wonder why therapists ask about childhood or other uncomfortable topics. Many times, we have trauma that we have been able to hide, and we fear it will come back to haunt us if we talk about it. Or we believe we have dealt with and healed from it; therefore, it doesn’t make sense to revisit it. Some clients didn’t even go through a major traumatic experience, so for them, there isn’t much to talk about. All of those fears are normal and make a lot of sense. Also, trust me, there is always something to talk about. 

A lot of therapists are trained in what we call “trauma-informed therapy”. Trauma-informed treatment is a strengths-based, compassionate approach that understands the profound impact of trauma on physical, emotional, and mental well-being. Instead of asking "what's wrong with you," this approach shifts focus to "what happened to you". It emphasizes safety, trustworthiness, and empowerment, while actively avoiding re-traumatization to foster healing and resilience. Therapists that went through this training are aware of how sensitive these topics can be, and they make sure that they follow the client’s lead, and only address what the client is ready to share. 

This is a very important detail: you are the leader of your therapy process. You dictate the pace of work, the topics, and how to address the issues. If this means that sometimes you want to come to the session and talk about the weather, it is the therapist’s job to understand where this need is coming from and honor it. Your therapist is your ally in your journey to a better life. 

How the Past Shapes the Present (Even If You Don’t Think It Does)

It is not hard to see how going through traumatic experiences during our childhood might affect our relationships and actions in the present. Let’s look at someone who was neglected as a child. This child probably grew up believing that they didn’t matter, that they are all alone, and can’t count on anyone. This pattern might be observed in the adult as someone who struggles with relationships, pushes people away, or even uses people-pleasing to feel safe. 

That happens because during our childhood, our brains are still developing, as well as our vision of the world. What happens during our childhood, especially until the age of 7, significantly affects which parts of our brains will develop more, and what we will think of ourselves. It will also affect how we remember events and people who were around us. 

Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACE) is a concept that analyzes how early traumatic experiences can cause toxic stress and disrupt early brain development. High ACE scores are strongly linked to chronic physical health issues, mental illness, and substance use in adulthood. ACE evaluates 10 categories that go from abuse (physical, emotional, and sexual), neglect (both emotional and physical), household dysfunction (such as divorce, abuse, incarceration, substance abuse and mental illness in the family), and expanded context, that include poverty, racism, community safety, and other community-level trauma. 

Trauma is not the only way our childhood affects adulthood. Children learn a lot from what happens around them. If parents are loving and get along, children learn that this is what marriage looks like. However, if parents are always fighting and nagging, children might believe that this is what relationships should be. Even when we get older, we tend to seek similar relationships to the ones we had growing up. This is what Freud called Repetition Compulsion. Freud explained that our unconscious makes us engage in behaviors and seek experiences that mimic early life experiences, including past traumas. Even if that behavior brings negative consequences, a person might continue to seek out reminders of the trauma.

 Have you ever had that feeling of “I am turning into my parents?” That is because of the repetition compulsion. The only way to break this cycle is to be aware of its existence. And how do we do that? By talking about our childhood experiences. 

When We Understand the Past, We Create Choice in the Present

This is the part when we understand why we have always known what to do, but have never been able to accomplish it. Most of the time, the answer lies in our childhood experiences. This is such a breakthrough! It brings so much clarity and relief. It feels great to understand that we are not lazy or afraid to be alone forever. We are just repeating what we have learned. You might be thinking: “Great. Now what do I do with all these discoveries?” The answer is to accept them and observe them. 

Once you have explored your past experiences and how they have affected you, you begin to experience emotional healing. You start to notice the patterns you want to break, you have it clear in your mind why it is important to break them, and you are ready to learn healthy coping skills to manage emotions and situations. 

It is not a change that happens overnight, but with mental health support and awareness, you can take small intentional steps every day towards the life you want.

How Therapy Can Help

Finding a trusting therapist is crucial to do this kind of work, because they will know how to help you feel comfortable sharing painful memories without having to relive the trauma. Depending on what you want to work on, you can seek help from an individual therapist, or a family or couples therapist. Child and teen therapists can also help with our children’s experiences. 

It is important that you find someone with whom you can connect and who respects your pace in the process. There is no rush. The safer you feel with your therapist, the deeper you will be willing to go, and the bigger the change will be. 

Here at 21 Reflections Professional Counseling, we have therapists who specialize in trauma-informed care for adults, couples, families, and children. If you want to learn more about how we can help, don’t hesitate to call or send an email. We would love to tell you more about our approach. 

• Vera Santiago, MA, LSW